Jobbercartel’s Shorty of the Week #5 – Miss Elizabeth

Al: I feel sort of weird about selecting Miss Elizabeth, since she’s no longer with us and all, but since it’s officially Wrestlemania weekend and we have fans of the show that are wrestling fans, I thought I’d give props where props were due. I’m rewatching Wrestlemania 7 right now, and I almost cried at how excellent the WWF was in the early 90′s. Nowadays you have slores parading around in the E, and the days of a classy lady in the wrestling ring are long gone.

She was so ride or die for Macho Man. That probably wasn’t the best way to describe her. Damnit.

BUY OR PASS

Al: From the ESRB website, a fantastic synopsis about the upcoming Dead Or Alive: Paradise title for PSP:

This is a collection of mini-games, based on the Dead or Alive game series, in which players assume the role of a bikini-clad female character on vacation on a tropical island. Players engage in daily activities that can include hopping across floating pads on a pool and beach volleyball. Players earn credits after each activity that can be used to purchase new outfits, accessories, and gifts to give other female characters on the island. Players can earn additional credits at the island casino as they wager credit in slot machines and in games of poker and black jack. Some purchasable outfits include string bikinis, one-piece thongs, and sling bikinis. Sling bikinis and thongs often provide very little coverage of breast and bare buttocks. Throughout the game players can view characters engaging in variety of activities—pole dancing, stretching, gyrating to music, and climbing trees. Characters are frequently displayed in compromising position (e.g., buttocks up in the air, legs splayed open, straddling tree trunks, etc.) during these activities. These scenes can often feel voyeuristic as players control the camera to rotate, pan, and zoom in on various body parts as they photograph the characters in different poses.

Verdict: Buy. Kokoro! Lei Fang! Ayane! Here I c…oh. No. Close one.

Jobbercartel’s Shorty of the Week #4 – Patricia Ja Lee

Al: I can’t speak for the rest of the JCartel crew, but I find something totally awesome about Asian girls who look like they belonged in your high school Chemistry class. Of course there’s room for the vixens, but there’s also room for just normal, fairly cute Chinese girls. I always found this Wells Fargo commercial refreshing when it came on during Kings games, because truth be told, she rocked the fuck out of that awful dress. Lo and behold, she came into my life again with this new spot for Tostitos. We at JCartel salute your subtle awesomeness, Ms. Lee.

Now if you’re from Sacramento and remember the Asian girl who played the Blackjack dealer in those Thunder Valley casino commercials in 2005, you get daps.

If you like girls, you’re…gay?

In late September, a Chinese MMO company started banning accounts of Male players that play female characters ingame. The reason for the bans is that they firmly believe that you are a homosexual if you do, or that you like to watch your female avatar from behind… And apparently they feel that it shouldn’t be allowed to play a character of the opposite gender of your own.

via Ensidia.com

Alvin: So first and foremost, do you dispute the charge that you’re homosexual?

Al: I’m not homosexual. My girlfriend will corroborate this claim, but don’t ask her.

Jobbercartel’s Shorty of the Week #3 – Taeyeon

Al: It’s kinda fucked up when you type “Korean Pop plastic surgeries” in Google, because you find out that they’re on some cheat shit with the plastic surgery.

But I’d cut my toe off to kiss this girl on the cheek.

Inappropriate Crushes

Al: On WikiHow, there’s actually an entry on “inappropriate crushes”. I find #3 poignant in this discussion:

“What will other people think – will they think more, or less of you? It’s not cool to try to steal your buddy’s girl. You might end up with her, but you will lose your friend. If you’re older, and the boy is a minor, you will be considered a cradle-robber – and on top of that, if you actually pursue that relationship into a sexual situation, you could be looking at jail. Sex with a minor is worse than inappropriate – it’s a crime. You may be feeling warm fuzzies when you look at that middle schooler, Mr. High School Sophomore, but if you think you can take a 12-year-old to the prom, think about how your peers will look at you. They’ll think you couldn’t get someone your own age – you had to go for someone a lot younger, not as savvy, not as sophisticated, and not as educated. That’s not a good way to be looked at by your peers. And it’s nothing compared to what the adults (especially her parents) will be thinking. On the flip side, imagine how strange it would look if you were the 12 year old asking out Mr. Sophomore.”

We at the Jobber Squard aren’t going to take your girl, but we’re probably going to freak you out.

With that said, I have a question for you, the reader:  Princess Jasmine, Cortana from the Halo series, and Hermione. Do you see a correlation?

If you do, step right on in and welcome to the land of inappropriate crushes.

Jobbercartel’s Shorty of the Week #2 – Taylor Swift

Al – C’mon. She’s a Caucasian girl with almond eyes. +1,000,00 on the fantastic scale.

Jobbercartel’s Shorty of the Week #1 – Kate Earl

Al: I’ve been listening to a lot of emotional, girly music over the past week, and I just so happened to discover this Indie darling during my sulking period.

FILIPINOS AND WHITES, YOU DAMN DID IT AGIN.

Apparently she was raised in Alaska, so the 49th state is two for two when it comes to hot Alaskan women gracing my screen in the past year.

Yeah I dig Palin. So what?

Kate Earl – Melody (Acoustic) – Watch out for that harmonica solo at the end. Gutter.